The Reality of Your Ugly Toes.

Oh toes.  Have you ever thought about just how remarkable your ugly toes are? And don't even pretend to be offended when I say your toes are ugly, because you know the sad truth.  Anything that spends THAT much time on the floor can't be seriously attractive.  Unless you are my Aunt Shannon whose toes are as elegantly sculpted as her beautiful fingers... but I digress.  Hideous toes are remarkable things! I remember once in the second or third grade, an ex-smoker came to speak to us about, go figure, not smoking.  Smoking had ruined his life.  He had suffered from lung cancer, throat cancer, and not only that, but it messed up his blood supply to his legs so badly that they had to be amputated.  He went on to tell us that he missed his toes.

Missed his toes? I hated toes.  Toes are ugly.  Feet are ugly.  Not that not having toes or feet is any more attractive than having such ugly appendages...

"Toes," he said, "allow you to keep your balance, and not fall over all the time."

"What is this nonsensical talk?" I thought to myself, "Balance? What the sweet Huckleberry Finn..."
He went on to tell us how once he lost his toes it was like he had to relearn how to walk.  No longer could he feel the ground beneath his toes...

Then I thought of The Witches.  You all know the book.  Roald Dahl.  That creepy book about the ladies that are bald and have NO TOES! I'm serious.  I began thinking about what the world would be like if we all had block feet... We would all be falling over, making fools of ourselves, wearing tissue box shoes...

I decided then and there that I loved my ugly toes.

Eleven years later, I sit here with a laptop upon my knees, contemplating the value of my second littlest toe on my right foot.  I mean, really, if I just ask them to kindly cut off that one toe, what's it really gonna do me? So maybe I will trip 10% more often than I already do... big deal? I'll have a sweet battle wound to tell anyone that ever asks! Seriously, I'm about ready to chop it off myself.

It all started a year or two ago.  Ish.

"Mom, my toe hurts."
"Why? What did you do to it?"
"I have no idea... all I know is when I walk it goes like this *pop* *crack* *pop* *crack*..."
"Well... that's not good.  Stop doing that."
"...Ok. But it hurts to do anything to it.  I can't paint my toes, I have to brace myself when I cut them!! Cut it off, please!"

So I go see my chiropractor.

"Dr. Stone, my toe hurts."
"Well why's it doing that?"
"That's kinda why I came to see you... you see, it goes, *pop* *crack* *pop* *crack*... when I walk, and if anything touches it, I scream."
"Does it hurt when I do this?"
"*wince* Yes..."
"How about this...?"
"*wince, whinny* YES...."
"OK, how about we stop doing that... Now, if I just go like this... *pop* how does that feel?"
"Well... better, but the second I take a step, it pops out again!"
"...hmmm..."

So here we are.  When Makenna gets angry she likes to go running.  Well, I got angry and went running.  What did my toe do? Oh, it just decided to pop out of its socket.  And stay that way.  On top of that, I started my new job yesterday.  It's supposed to be a door to door job.  Ha.  Can you just imagine how that went?

"Hi, let's walk for half an hour and make the pain in your foot excruciatingly painful, so you can't walk on it for the next week!"
"Yay! What a fun idea! I'm so excited!"

And now I can't walk on it.  So, I made sure I was still on my insurance plan, called the lovely doctor's office, made an appointment with a doctor that not only do I not know, but has a last name that would imply that he does not have the most productive work ethic.  Now, don't call me shallow for judging a doctor by his last name alone, because let's be honest here, we do it all the time.  It's like when we read books... we don't actually read the book, you like a book a whole lot more when it's attractive to look at, because then you look attractive when you are reading an attractive looking book! Please, people.

Ok, so I'm a liar, but still.  I just want them to chop my toe off, because nothing thus far has worked.  I vet wrapped in purple Vet Wrap, thanks to my dear friend Kaity Wim, and it feels marginally better, but it still feels like someone pinched my nerve between two ice cubes or red hot chili peppers, I'm not sure which sensation it most resembles.  Either way, I'm almost hoping they make me get surgery, because I seriously can't stand this anymore.  Sarah, set your laser to stun, and stun my freaking toe for eternity!