No sleep tonight, I have a story to tell.

So tonight I lay here, sleepless. The last time this happened, I pulled an accidental all-nighter, and I am not about to let that happen again, because I can't tell you how miserable of a day that was for all parties involved. So instead of repeating one of history's worst days, I decided to do what I feel I must do, and that is share my story.
One of my stories, that is. See, last time I lay sleepless, I had a feeling that I just needed to share something, but I decided it could wait till morning. But that feeling kept me up till I responded to it at 4 in the morning, and by then I figured I may as well get up and get ready for the day since I was wide awake, and ravenous...
Like I said: not ready to repeat that.
So, since I must be up in approximately 6.5 hours, I'm here typing away on the keyboard of my smart little phone to share my innermost feelings with you. And I hope that I say what I should.
For the past several months, I've had some specific things on my mind. One of which has been the topic of religion. I was brought up a member of the LDS church. But just like everyone must at some point, I had to find my own testimony and know for myself that it was true. I never had much trouble believing as kid, nor in my teenage years, but when I turned 19 my life changed drastically in an instant. I found myself neck deep in a world that I thought only existed in other people's lives - something you only see on t.v. or hear about happening to other people. It could never happen to me, could it?
And yet there I was, quickly losing everything that made me who I was, desperately grasping onto everything I had been taught and believed to keep myself sane and alive. I had no idea who I was anymore, I'd even forgotten what my own laughter sounded like. I spent more nights crying than my entire life put together, but soon, I stopped crying altogether. I was numb. Numb to pain, numb to happiness. I stopped feeling almost everything. I've never felt more alone or abandoned. Life was cold and dark. And I was shattered.
This was probably one of the lowest points I have ever reached in my life. My parents, although the most supportive and loving beings on the planet (at least in my book), were states away from me at the time, and after talking with them about it for a while, we knew it was for the best that they stay where they were, and that I stay where I was. They were there for me emotionally, and never more than a phone call away, but physically I just felt so alone and helpless.
I was never really one to ask why things happened to me in life, because I always understood that there are circumstances that are beyond control, and you don't get to pick your lot in life. But there were times that I just cried and wondered what I was supposed to do with myself after all this? and how could I ever forgive this person? and if I couldn't, what kind of person did this make me? how was I supposed to live with myself? and how would I ever find anyone who didn't see ms as 'tainted' or 'flawed'? was I stupid? or naive? how could I not have seen this coming?
All these and probably hundreds more questions haunted me every single day. For years.
Now, I know there are plenty of people who aren't religious who go through situations similar to my own, and they get through it and lead happy lives. That's not what I'm writing this for. I'm not here to argue or bible bash with anyone. I'm here to tell you my story. I'm not here to shove anything down anyone's throat. It's not my place nor my intent. But I want to tell you who I am. And this is largely what makes me who I am.
Like I said before, physically, geographically, I felt so alone. Being single and being alone are two incredibly different things, because I know firsthand how truly alone you can be with someone right next to you.
I literally had nothing but my faith to turn to. The little bit of me I had left, I threw at the Lord's feet, and just begged for Him to pick me up and make me whole again.
For my high school graduation, over four years ago, my parents gave me a ring that I still wear to this day. It's misshapen, it has been lost, absolutely worn out, but I never take it off...and this is why: on the ring, engraven so small I can barely read it, is the Footsteps Poem.

'So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I would follow you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods in my life there have been only one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you."'

I have no words. Typing that poem brought me back to every moment I've ever felt this in my life. Actually, typing this whole story has brought me back to all the times I've ever felt this. And that's just it. Religion may not be logical, but I can never deny the reality of God after being brought through my own personal hell by what I know was the Lord's arms. I don't pretend to be a genius, or to be able to explain much of anything, but I can tell you I know what God has brought me through, and where He has brought me today, and I wouldn't change a thing. What I went through was horrific to me, and I wish it upon no one. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because of the knowledge of Christ's atonement that I have now. I've never known so much pain, but I've never known so much peace. There's nothing in this physical world that can take away the pain and hatred and bitterness that was in my soul, but the atonement did exactly that. I don't want to live my life bitter at someone, or hating them for anything. It does them no harm at all - they don't hurt when I hate them! But it causes me pain everyday - I have to relive that hell every time I take the time to hate him. Who wants to live that way? I refuse to live that way. I refuse to give him or anyone that power over me. That's what Christ did for me. Gave me the power to love again. He didn't just make me me again, He made me so much more of a person than I was before. I liked who I was before, but I'm so much more now. But I could never ever be the person I am today without the atonement of Jesus Christ. I just couldn't.
And that's why I can't deny my religion. It's not something I can logically explain to you, and I will never try to. It's a feeling. Plain and simple - the best feeling.
<3