The title of this post is, sadly, very true.
You see, I have chronic migraines. Unfortunately, the only thing that actually works is taking a Lortab, Percocet, or chugging a Monster. I'm a pretty Chatty Patty on those babies. Filter? What filter? Philosophical thoughts? I have plenty, and don't worry, you'll hear them all, because I won't let you get a word in, sweetheartc and that's ok, because I'm really funny anyway. Oh, funny? Please, I'm a freaking comedian, and I know it. I don't need you to laugh at me, I'll laugh at me, because I know I'm funny, and I know you know it, too, because even though you're not laughing, oh, wait, no, you're laughing. See? Told you I was funny. I don't even think I'm funny, because I don't have to think I'm funny, because I know I'm funny. You should ask me for advice, too, because I'll give you the best advice, especially right now. Hey, tell me how funny I am. I can sing too, have you heard me sing? I'll sing for you, shh. Listen. See, wasn't that good? No, it was great. Why am I not famous? I should be famous, I probably am famous, I just know it would be too much work to be famous, so I'm not. We should tell these other people how funny I am. I should tell you a story, you'd like that, huh? K. I have really good stories and they're super funny, too. I don't know why people don't let me drive on these things, because I'm pretty sure I feel really good right now. Know what? I still have a migraine. Guess what? I can feel it. Right here, see, right here. But guess what else? I don't even care. Know why? Because I feel great. I don't even care that I have a migraine still, hear that, I don't care. But I still have one! But I don't care, you stupid migraine, I can still feel you, hahaaa. I feel good. Now I understand why people do drugs. I don't think I would ever do alcohol, no, I totally wouldn't do alcohol, but drugs, I think I understand why people do drugs. But drugs are bad. Oh, I think if I weren't Mormon I might do drugs though. That's good that I'm Mormon, huh? I don't like drugs, but I feel really good. And I'm super funny. Why isn't anyone else talking? It's because I'm so funny, huh? It's ok, I'll keep talking, it's fine. You guys are funny too, though. Did we pass our exit? Wait, where are we going? Did I want to go? I don't remember. Did I eat yet? It's ok, I'm not hungry anyway. I think. Maybe I should eat anyway. Hey, I don't even care that I have a migraine right now. I wish I had more friends in low places. Do we have friends in low places, mom? I just don't want to have to pay for these. But it's the only thing that works. Migraines suck. Where are we going? Wait, I like this song. HIIIIIII! Ha, do you think they'll wave back? Hey, they didn't wave back, that's rude, RUUUUDE! Mom, let's make faces at them. Ready? FAT FACE..... ha, did you see that?! Let's do it again. Ready?! HA! I made my upper lip disappear, cool huh? Hey, he laughed. He knows I'm funny, too! I like that guy. Let's do it again. Mom, where are we going? Did I eat yet?
That's a typical conversation I might have....on happy pills with a migraine. It's embarrassing, but...you'd probably laugh just because I'm that freaking ridiculous, and you might actually laugh because you're embarrassed for me. Don't be, I am clearly not embarrassed.
In all reality,and for all those times I can't take a Lortab or a Monster, they are incredibly debilitating and, although I am learning to live with them, they have brought on a multitude of strange problems.One of those problems? Lapses in memory. I'm not kidding. If you have a conversation with me while I have a migraine, please don't even expect me to remember 80% of it. Sometimes it doesn't just affect my memory during my migraine. I just have a really bad memory now in general. Just the other day my mom and I were having a conversation about dinner, at least I am pretty sure we were (she says yes, we were), and suddenly I stopped and said, "Wait, mom, did you say something about pancakes?" She paused, crinkled her brow and said, "Yes... like... ten minutes ago... I was talking about those oven pancakes, the ones with the apples on them..."
Needless to say I was puzzled.
And would have probably been embarrassed had it been anyone but my mother.
Anyway, I have no memory with my migraines now, that much is true. But what helps with my migraines, you ask? What a good question reader, let me tell you.
I have had these migraines ever since I was a kid, but not chronically. I would get a few every year growing up, and they would knock me on my butt and I would just cry until I realized that crying made my head hurt worse, so I would just let the tears leak on out because I couldn't sob. Draped in cold washcloths from head to toe, I would lay there and try and sleep, get blessings from my sweet daddy, and wait it out. I remember one particular time when I was about six that I did exactly this. Laying on the big couch in our living room, straight across from the giant window...I made mom shut the blinds and cover my face with a washcloth. I just remember crying. I didn't know anything could hurt so bad.
Well, they didn't go away. About a year ago I got a free gym pass for a month, and I became obsessed. I LOVED the gym!! I would go almost everyday and elliptical my little heart out, then go lift weights to my hearts content. The only problem was my migraines were becoming more and more frequent, and they were becoming more severe. Finally, I was forced to stop working out altogether because my head just couldn't handle it. I had a migraine almost every other day. I was that crying six year old all over again.
They just got worse and worse. Tylenol did nothing, Excedrin didn't touch it, I felt so helpless. There was no way I could hold a job. It was miserable to even be awake, but my head was so bad I could hardly sleep. One day, when my parents were out of town, my head got so bad, one of the worst migraines I'd ever had. I called a member of the bishopric in my ward, just knowing I needed a blessing, otherwise there was no way I was getting through the night. I got a blessing and a few Flexarils to take. They didn't touch the headache, but luckily they knocked me out. The sad part is, sleeping doesn't get rid of them! It is pretty common for my migraines to last for days on end. One of them lasted 3 weeks. Murder. MURDER.
The only thing that helped me was taking a Lortab or a Percocet. I was still in pain, I was just too, shall we say high, to care at all. I was desperate for answers. I went to the doctor, who prescribed me one drug after another. Some didn't work at all, and some did until my body got used to it, then it would stop working all together. Talk about frustrating.
One day, I started sipping a Monster, and to my very pleasant surprise, my migraine faded. I was shocked. Had I finally found my miracle drug? All reason told me it was the crazy amounts of caffeine in the drink, so, logically, I went out and bought caffeine pills. Guess what? Nothing happened.
So, back to square one. My miracle drug was probably the most unhealthy thing I could possibly find, and I had to drink one everyday just to function without a migraine. I weighed the pros and cons. But I had a job, and I couldn't do that job with a migraine. So, I started my Monster diet. I had no clue why it worked, but it did, and I was not about to argue. But guess what? My body got used to that too, and they stopped working. So I backed off, and started dealing with the migraines again.
I'll be honest. I'm still dealing with them almost on the daily. My neurologist has me looking forward to menopause, though, as she seems to think that's the only way I'll be able to get rid of them. In the mean time, I ration my Monsters and Lortabs and only use them when I absolutely can't stand the migraine. Too bad it's everyone else that can stand me with a migraine. I can be a tad beastly when they hit me real bad. I have such an angelic family.
I'm sure part of it is that I've just gotten used to the migraines, because even though I still get them often, I can usually still function for the most part, unless they get really really bad. You learn to live with things, and you have faith that the Lord will help you get through it all and accomplish the things that you need to get done. And that, my friends, I know He will. And He has! It is a constant battle, but you have to do your part before the Lord will do His. Keep fighting the good fight and never lose hope. The Lord will get you through whatever, just like He is going to get me through these migraines. Even if I have to live with them forever, He will make it possible for me to still have a life.
And maybe still embarrass myself once in a while with those Lortabs and Monsters....
Until next time, sweet readers.
Stay Hilarious.
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